Instead of leaving when the party was over, I ended up staying even later and hanging out with a group of our friends. One thing led to another and I discovered that he liked me back. And so in the really cheesy adorable way, we held hands and kept smiling and laughing together. He said he wanted to make this work, that he wanted to be there for me. And I believed him. He had no reason to lie.
The next day I woke with a text message waiting from him... which has never happened. I always texted first. The day was looking fantastic... until at breakfast I called my best friend and told her that he liked me back and we were kind of dating. She wasn't happy. Not that she had anything against him, just the idea of us having a relationship. Well I talked to her about it, and it seemed that though she was hesitant, she excepted it.
The rest of the day was fun. I had Pink Berry for the first time... and it was delicious. We went out to dinner with a big group of friends... with more hand holding and cute couple things. Then things went down hill. We were going to a comedy club instead of church group that night, because the owner invited us to come. Before we went, we stopped at our pastors house to all meet up. And not to go into too much detail, but a conversation happened between my boy and another person. Afterward he wouldn't even look at me, much less hold my hand. I don't know what was said... but I knew where this was headed.
At the comedy club, a couple of the comedians were funny. Most of them weren't. I laughed but inside I was dying. Something in the last hour had caused his entire manner to change. I had to stop my self from crying so many times it wasn't even funny.
After the show, I had to drive home sitting next to him. The urge to cry was even worse, because he still had not said one word to me in four hours. When we finally dropped him off at his house, and I picked up my car, the tears came. I couldn't stop them. I wasn't just upset, I was devastated. You have no idea how well we fit together. Not only did our personalities complement each other, but we liked so many of the same things. We had similar senses of humor. And he was a good christian guy. Someone who knew what it was like to have a relationship with Jesus Christ. Someone who wouldn't lead me down wrong paths. For so long I have either dated or been interested in the wrong boy... and this year (a year I decided to take off from dating) when I wasn't expecting it, a guy worthy of liking, of respecting, of dating, LIKES ME BACK!!! I keep wanting to cry. Every second is a battle with myself. It's like I've forgotten how to be happy. And I'm angry. I'm angry at myself and I'm angry at God. I don't know why he let this happen. I don't know why he would put a guy so perfect for me in my life RIGHT NOW!!! Then take him away less than a day later. Why is that? What reason could he have for justifying it? I don't understand.
I can't really be mad at the guy though. He told me why he decided for us to be just friends. And they were all very logical and intelligent reasons. They make perfect economical sense. He probably made the right decision. But I don't understand how a person can go from saying I'll be there for you whenever you need me to let's just be friends in 24 hours. And I have to ask... Did he even like me? Did he even care? Was I not good enough to overcome those logical reasons?
These are all stupid questions I know. I know God has a plan for me and a plan for him, and that whatever those plans are that they will lead us to a good and fruitful life. But knowing doesn't make the pain any easier. It doesn't unbreak my heart. He said he was sorry, and I said thank you I appreciate that. Because if I hadn't, I would have said... Sorry? Are you kidding me? I just screamed and cried my eyes out for the last twenty minutes!!! And you're sorry? Sorry doesn't even begin to cover how I feel. Try devastated. Try broken. Try betrayed. Try lied to. Try cheated. Sorry? I'm so glad one of us is taking this calmly and rationally.
So now we're just friends again. And I have to play happy on the outside, while on the inside my heart stays broken. I can't believe I'm saying this, but thank goodness for my mission trip. Maybe six weeks away will give me clarity and purpose and help me forget any of this ever happened. And I'm also thinking about applying to Moody Bible College for spring admission next year. I need purpose and I need to get out of here. In the mean time, I'm going to try and stay very busy so I don't have to think. Because thinking only makes me want to cry again. And I'm tired of crying.
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