Where I am...

I've been avoiding God lately for about the dumbest reason ever. I've been avoiding God because I was avoiding God and I feel guilty about it. When I was moving up here from Missouri, I got caught up in the excitement of moving. So I put things like personal devotions, church, fellowship, etc. to the side. Then I got up here, and I was so caught up in doing things for CEF, working at my part time job, and spending time with my boyfriend (now fiance) that sleep became more important to me than spending time doing devotions and going to church. So I put God on the back burner. My heart has hardened... I need it to change. To come back to him. Maybe it's time I took things back to the drawing board. Just picked up where I left off and learn to ask for forgiveness where I need it most, in my own hypocritical heart. Because a part of me is scared... scared of my earthly desires, which get in the way of my relationship with God. He should come first, and he hasn't. And it's my fault. And I need to fix it. I need to take steps. Step one, go to church on a regular basis. Step two, spend daily prayer/bible reading time with God. Step three, don't sacrifice my morals and values to win over a friend to my side. Be a good friend, but stand firm in what I believe in. I need to love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, and strength... and I haven't been... I've been in a hole... things need to change...

Current Wedding Thoughts...

My wedding is still nine months or so away. Still three quarters of the way to go. And two things are becoming more and more apparent.

One: Other people's weddings make me feel sappy and ridiculous. I had a chrysalis friend get married a week ago or so, and looking at her pictures makes me so ridiculously happy. Thinking about other people possibly getting engaged (or those that are already engaged getting married), makes me smile and get all giggly inside. Looking at old wedding pictures from people who have been married for a while makes me happy. Especially if you can tell that the couple is as happily married now as they were the day they said I Do (if not more happy).

Two: I want to be MARRIED!!! I really don't even care about the details. They mean less and less as time goes on. I just want to walk down the isle toward him, say our vows together and begin our life. I don't care about reception favors. I don't care about cake. I don't care about linens. I am starting to really not care about a veil. I have my dress. I have my shoes. I have my bouquet figured out. I have my hair figured out. Who cares about all the other details? People can show up or not (and I would very much like them to share my day with me), but in the end it's about me and him. I want to see his smiling face and know that I am his wife.

Alaskan

Well, I went to the DMV today and gave them my very first license, and a few ID documents, a written test, and a $20 check later, they handed me my very first ALASKAN license. So there it is, I'm officially an Alaskan resident. I even registered to vote! (Because I think participating in government is a very important part of being an American Citizen, and if you haven't registered to vote, you should). And while I was doing this, all I could think about was next summer, when I get married and then have to change me last name. Well I guess I don't have to. I could keep my maiden name, but I don't really want to. I want to adopt my husbands last name. It's just a ridiculously complicated and expensive process to do that. It's no wonder that widowed and divorced people don't bother to go back to their maiden names. It may not seem like a big deal, but think of all the things you have to change: Your license, your passport, your social security job, any professional license that you may have, your bank card, any credit cards you have, even silly things like your library card and your blockbuster card (of course those don't cost anything, but you still have to remember to tell the people that you have a new last name, and a new address and whatnot.) I'm looking forward to getting married, to being a Mrs. Somebody, but good lord I'm not looking forward to this.

Psalm 138 ESV

I give thanks, O Lord, with my whole heart;
before the gods I sing your praise;
I bow down toward your Holy Temple
and give thanks to your name for your
steadfast love and your faithfulness,
for you have exalted above all things
your name and your word.
On the day I called, you answered me;
my strength of soul you increased.
All the kings of the earth shall give you thanks, O Lord,
for they have heard the words of your mouth,
and they shall sing of the ways of the Lord,
for great is the glory of the Lord.
For though the Lord is high, he regards the lowly,
but the haughty he knows from afar.

Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
you preserve my life;
you stretch out your hand against the
wrath of my enemies,
and your right hand delivers me.
The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;
your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.
Do not forsake the work of your hands.



I got a job, doing what I wanted to do. I prayed (and many others did too), and God provided, so I'm giving credit to where it's due, and looking forward to the opportunities he has provided me with.

Crabby... and other junk

There are two people... lets call them Person A and Person B. For no particular reason, Person A has been on my nerves the last couple of days. It's not anything she did. It's me. Little things have been irritating me. Particular habits she has, the way her voice sounds, things that don't normally irritate me. Because she's a nice person, and I like her. She bakes good muffins. And has many other admirable qualities too. Mostly I'm irritated at her cause I'm a wee bit hormonal, and therefore crabby in general. Then there is Person B. She too is a lovable person 95% of the time. She's cute, and smiley, and pretty funny when she doesn't mean to be, and pretty funny when she does mean to be, just not for the reasons she wants to be. She's a little bit strange, but it only makes you love her more, except for today. (And I blame this one only 78% on my irrational crabbiness.) Today she was being a little imp! And I know she loves me and doesn't mean it, and she doesn't really realize how much of a little imp she's being. I want to say really mean things to her. I want to make her cry. I want to be like the mean bully on the playground who steals all the favorite toys from all the little children, and then shoves them off the swings for good measure. I'm feeling down right childish! I'm incredibly pissed off! My level of emotion is completely out of proportion with the situation. I'm being irrational. I want to kick puppies and break car windows, and leave flaming poo on people's doorsteps. I want to take a sharpie to the Mona Lisa and draw an impressive handlebar mustache on her face.... and perhaps a top hat. And then for good measure, I might go over to Michael Moore's house and TP and Egg it, cause he deserves it. And of course tomorrow I'll feel better, and all of this will be gone... and maybe I'll get even luckier and I'll magically wake up and my hormones will be gone too. I hate being an irrational stupid hormonal girl. I want to be a rational adult again.