The Skeletal Cat

A long time ago in a decade far far away an adorable kitten was born. By a beautiful twist of fate, that kitten found her way into my home when I was just a year old. That was 19 years ago. When I was about 14, I began to distance myself from her because I thought she was going to die, and I didn't want to get all chocked up about it. I couldn't have been more wrong. Ginger is still alive, and almost 19. Which, in case you didn't know, it extremely ancient for a cat. Sadly, I probably would have liked it better if she had died a few years ago. Death I could have dealt with. Instead, my beloved cat has turned into nothing but fur and bones. She's so skinny!!! You can see the outline of her entire skeleton. And her fur, instead of being long and luxurious has become matted and grey. I can't really handle it. I've been trying to avoid her like the plague, but sadly it seems I cannot. In fact, the poor pathetic thing is sitting in my lap right now. She hardly weighs anything and could possibly drop dead at any moment. Watching something I love die up close is not o.k. with me. I don't handle dying or dead things very well. I miss my fat, purring kitty!!! Though I still love Ginger... ugh what can I say... she creeps me out. I think I'll remember her as the fat happy playful cat she was throughout my childhood.

My how time flies...

It's been more than a few months since I last posted... and I know that I originally wrote this for other people to read, but going back and reading my past posts... I'm starting to think that maybe this was more like therapy for me... and maybe I should make a conscious effort to actually record what is going on in my life. 

To sum it up, because I'm sure you don't want to hear the super long story... All my unanswered questions have been answered. My life got a purpose (reaching children for christ with CEF), my questions concerning my love life were answered (the boy I mentioned in my last post, Ben, has been my boyfriend officially for almost four months now, and I'm kind of madly in love with him). I currently work as an intern in the USA Ministries department at CEF World HQ. And hopefully this summer I will be moving to Alaska (for how long I don't know) as an intern with CEF there. I will also be going back to school and getting my early childhood development degree. I know, I know, school... but it has a purpose now, and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. That's all for now...

Oh wait, one more thing, I'm flying home tomorrow for christmas!!! I get to see all my friends and family again!!! I'm so excited. And then a week after that I get to fly to Alaska and see my boyfriend!!! And I am thrilled beyond words!!!

I'm in love with Missouri

Good news everyone!!! My prayers have been answered!!! My mission trip is awesome!!! I have found my calling in life!!! Instead of doing another semester in community college, I'm coming here in the fall and doing CMI, and probably permenantly move here. That's all for now. I'm going to go play pool with Ben.

Number of times my heart has broken... two

The last 48 hours have been some of the best and worse I've had in a long time. It'll all began when I went to a friend's graduation party... and it just so happened that I had a huge crush on this guy...

Instead of leaving when the party was over, I ended up staying even later and hanging out with a group of our friends. One thing led to another and I discovered that he liked me back. And so in the really cheesy adorable way, we held hands and kept smiling and laughing together. He said he wanted to make this work, that he wanted to be there for me. And I believed him. He had no reason to lie. 

The next day I woke with a text message waiting from him... which has never happened. I always texted first. The day was looking fantastic... until at breakfast I called my best friend and told her that he liked me back and we were kind of dating. She wasn't happy. Not that she had anything against him, just the idea of us having a relationship. Well I talked to her about it, and it seemed that though she was hesitant, she excepted it. 

The rest of the day was fun. I had Pink Berry for the first time... and it was delicious. We went out to dinner with a big group of friends... with more hand holding and cute couple things. Then things went down hill. We were going to a comedy club instead of church group that night, because the owner invited us to come. Before we went, we stopped at our pastors house to all meet up. And not to go into too much detail, but a conversation happened between my boy and another person. Afterward he wouldn't even look at me, much less hold my hand. I don't know what was said... but I knew where this was headed.

At the comedy club, a couple of the comedians were funny. Most of them weren't. I laughed but inside I was dying. Something in the last hour had caused his entire manner to change. I had to stop my self from crying so many times it wasn't even funny. 

After the show, I had to drive home sitting next to him. The urge to cry was even worse, because he still had not said one word to me in four hours. When we finally dropped him off at his house, and I picked up my car, the tears came. I couldn't stop them. I wasn't just upset, I was devastated. You have no idea how well we fit together. Not only did our personalities complement each other, but we liked so many of the same things. We had similar senses of humor. And he was a good christian guy. Someone who knew what it was like to have a relationship with Jesus Christ. Someone who wouldn't lead me down wrong paths. For so long I have either dated or been interested in the wrong boy... and this year (a year I decided to take off from dating) when I wasn't expecting it, a guy worthy of liking, of respecting, of dating, LIKES ME BACK!!! I keep wanting to cry. Every second is a battle with myself. It's like I've forgotten how to be happy. And I'm angry. I'm angry at myself and I'm angry at God. I don't know why he let this happen. I don't know why he would put a guy so perfect for me in my life RIGHT NOW!!! Then take him away less than a day later. Why is that? What reason could he have for justifying it? I don't understand. 

I can't really be mad at the guy though. He told me why he decided for us to be just friends. And they were all very logical and intelligent reasons. They make perfect economical sense. He probably made the right decision. But I don't understand how a person can go from saying I'll be there for you whenever you need me to let's just be friends in 24 hours. And I have to ask... Did he even like me? Did he even care? Was I not good enough to overcome those logical reasons? 

These are all stupid questions I know. I know God has a plan for me and a plan for him, and that whatever those plans are that they will lead us to a good and fruitful life. But knowing doesn't make the pain any easier. It doesn't unbreak my heart. He said he was sorry, and I said thank you I appreciate that. Because if I hadn't, I would have said... Sorry? Are you kidding me? I just screamed and cried my eyes out for the last twenty minutes!!! And you're sorry? Sorry doesn't even begin to cover how I feel. Try devastated. Try broken. Try betrayed. Try lied to. Try cheated. Sorry? I'm so glad one of us is taking this calmly and rationally.

So now we're just friends again. And I have to play happy on the outside, while on the inside my heart stays broken. I can't believe I'm saying this, but thank goodness for my mission trip. Maybe six weeks away will give me clarity and purpose and help me forget any of this ever happened. And I'm also thinking about applying to Moody Bible College for spring admission next year. I need purpose and I need to get out of here. In the mean time, I'm going to try and stay very busy so I don't have to think. Because thinking only makes me want to cry again. And I'm tired of crying.

On this Day 19 years ago....

Today is my birthday!!!!!!! 

And that's really all I have to say about it, because the older i get, the more I realize that it's just like every other day of the week. And you may ask... Bethany, why has it taken you nineteen years to figure that out? Let me put it into perspective for you. According to my father, when I was little, people would ask me what my favorite holiday was and I would say MY BIRTHDAY! Of course now my favorite holiday is Christmas, but that deep and reverent adoration for the day that marks my birth has faded little over time. Every year I would celebrate with a big party!!! Most of my friends have birthdays late in the year so my birthday was always kind of a big deal... only now I'm out of high school... and starting my second year of college... things have changed. First off no ones in town, and those that are have other plans already or are in school... well you don't really need to listen to me whine. The point is, I think the era of big party celebrations are over. And it's just going to have to be something I get used to. LAME!!!

We are a transient people...

Just so you know how ridiculous southern california can be...

I went to visit my friend scott on tuesday. He lives about an hour away give or take a few minutes. He goes to my church, which is in North Hollywood, and we live about equidistant from church. So here is the ridiculous part... From my house to his I took the 126.  After we hung out I had to go to work (which is only about 15 minutes from my house), but I had less than an hour to get to work on time and it would be well over an hour if I took the 126 back. So instead I took the 5 to the 405 to the 118 to the 23 to the 101, driving 80 the whole way there. I made it on time by the way. The ridiculous part though is that in one day, just to visit a friend, I drove over 100 miles and on six different freeways. It's a good thing my friends and I carpool to church because at the way gas prices are headed, I could never afford to drive in southern california, let alone live on my own!!!

Ugh....

For the record I hate being sick...

I have a sore throat today... and it's been sore the last two days as well. It makes breathing and swallowing awkward. I really do NOT want to get any sicker though so I'm downing tons of vitamin c and praying. 

In other exciting news... I got my belly button pierced on tuesday. Actually tuesday was one of the best days ever. Me and Adrielle and Lexi went to the Santa Monica Pier, had fish and chips for lunch, sunbathed and played in the surf, got hit on by Brazilian Exchange Students, browsed the third street promenade, then drove over to venice beach and got our belly buttons pierced. They look super cute. After that we drove to the valley for community group where we had game night. It was awesome!!! It was one of the best days I have ever had.

Also... in one month I leave for my mission trip!!! Well a month and three days!!! It's very exciting and I can hardly wait. 

Oh and I'm turning 19 this month!!! I love the month of May.

I'm stuck...

So been recently deliberating about taking a year or two off from school and either joining the Peace Corps or going on a long term mission...

Unfortunately for moi, I have to be at leased 20 to go on a long term mission... and have a four year degree or an associates degree with job skills to join the peace corps. Which is incredibly frustrating. Looks as if I'm stuck in school for at least another year, because I'm not about to quit just to get a job at starbucks and loaf about. The whole reason I thought about leaving school for a while was because I felt useless and purposeless. Just dropping out would cause the same problem. It's just sad because for the first time in my life, I think I hate school. I just got a D in my philosophy class. A class I should have gotten an A in by the way. I just couldn't make myself do the work. I'm tired and bored and I feel trapped and a hundred other things that aren't cool. I'm just so tired of feeling useless. Why can't I travel for a while and see the world and help a few people out? Why am I stuck in this stupid reality where everyone is like... get a college degree and a nice big house with a three car garage and two and a half kids!!!!! Needless to say, I'm frustrated. It looks like I'll be spending yet another year in school. Kill me now.

The Power of Sleep... or the lack there of it

Last night I went to bed at 10:30 and I woke up today at 1:00. That's pm and pm in case you are wondering. So, you ask, why on earth did I sleep for 14 and 1/2 hours? Well...

This weekend was the girls chrysalis weekend, and I was assistant head cook. Which meant when the head cook wasn't around, or when she needed someone to tell people what to do, I did it. It may not seem like much, but it was a huge job. Three times a day we had to have a meal done on time, enough to feed 50. Then we had to wash all the dishes and put them away. We had to check the talk room and the sleeping rooms to make sure there was always food available. We had to rearrange the whole dining room eight times. We had to put out all the decorations, arrange the sleeping rooms, and then take them down and clean them up. And whenever prayer requests came in, we had to drop everything and pray. Needless to say it was a hard weekend, and I got very little sleep.

But it was the most rewarding weekend I've had in a long time. I met some of the most amazing girls. I earned the respect if women I admire. And I served the God who loves me. Let me tell you that his love was more than evident this entire weekend and I feel blessed to have been called to serve. Fly with Christ!!!

Stupid Travelocity

All I want to do is see Kendall. Why won't you charge my debit card?

I'm not usually an insomniac

Well it's almost three o'clock in the morning and I can't seem to fall asleep... which is weird, cause I've been tired for the last 24 hours...

I'm not usually one of those people who stay up ridiculously late because I can't sleep. Usually, if I'm awake this late it's because I've been doing something really entertaining for the last five hours and I can't seem to make myself quit. No such luck tonight! Maybe it's because I've spent more nights sleeping on Adrielle's springy pathetic excuse for a bed the last who knows how many days (It's almost unbearable comfortable), but my soft yet firm beloved matress has been unable to work it's magic on me. 

I love my bed, by the way. Three or four years ago I decided I was tired of having a twin bed and wanted something bigger. So I sold all my furniture, went down to Sit N Sleep, and bought myself a lovely queen size bed with the money my old furniture got me. From that day forward, I have been in love with my matress. It's big enough for me to lay in the exact middle and take up all the space, but if I have friends over I can fit up to four people on it (me included) if we squish. It's right in front of my T.v. so it's perfect for late night movie watching, and did I mention both soft and supportive? Needless to say, I usually fall right asleep.

You know what else should be working in my favor? I'm exhausted. I haven't gotten a lot of sleep over the past week because I've been too busy over at Adrielle's house coloring and painting!!! In fact, my eyes are droopy and tired right now!!! But that doesn't seem to be getting me any sleep!!! Instead I'm on my mac writing a blog entry at an entirely ungodly hour!!! (I jest. God loves three am too)

In other news (since I'm writing this anyway), positive outlook on my travel horizons. It appears I will be traveling to Denver in May to visit my other best friend at school. She was very happy to learn that, and except for juggling all the money issues, I'm excited too. Speaking of money, the mission fund, which is paying for my mission trip to Barbados this summer, is now 35% complete!!! People have been so generous!!! One lady from my old church donated $300!!!!! I nearly started crying!!! I think I'll give her a big hug when I see her on sunday. She's such a wonderful lady.

Also as I side note...

Dear DMV and IRS,

You guys suck!!! Why are you trying to extort hard-earned money from a perpetually broke college student? I know things like taxes and tags are important, but I have bills to pay you know and money to save up for travel!!! And don't day travel is just a fun thing that doesn't count. I'm opening my horizons and gaining a kind of education that is invaluable to society! I'm becoming a well rounded young woman with world knowledge!!! The kind of person you want voting in this government, not those other stupid kids who have no idea about the realities of people and life. The kind that think the whole world revolves around the fact that their boyfriend broke up with them... or whatever. And why do you hit this all at once?! It's like you guys know... oh look she has two big projects to complete for her classes on top of her regular course load, and she's working hard to pay her bills, and on top of that she has Tae Kwon Do obligations and church obligations and is trying to keep up friendships with those friends that went to school far away, lets make it tax season and also demand she pay $60 for a stupid little sticker to stick on her license plate!!! HOW FUN!!!

Ok so I'm feeling a little bitter. If you pray, how about praying that I'm able to cover the financial cost of everything going on right now? That would be super! 

The Best Sunday Ever!!!

Today was a glorious day....

It started with church this morning. I know most people don't go to church regularly, let alone genuinely like it, but they don't go to my church (www.valleytribe.org). I go to a church that cares more about the city (LA) than it does about itself. We're all about being a part of the community. And I love it. I was dying at my old church, but at my new church I feel like I belong to something greater. It's a very cool feeling. Anyway, Mike Brown gave an excellent message about bad and good organization within the church. Then I got to see Monica and Lauren (two friends I hadn't seen in awhile) because they came to church.

After church I went to see my boss/friend Julie test for her 2nd degree black belt, and kept her eight year old from whining about how hungry she was. Afterward, I took the two girls out to get something to eat, then rejoined Julie and her son for an after testing party.

The party was a blast. We all went swimming and had a huge water fight in the pool. The only bad thing about that was that Nolan (her 11 year old son) decided it would be fun to torture me by squirting me repeatedly in the eyes with a water gun. So as lasting memories of that encounter my eyes are sore and the bones in my left forearm is bruised. It was still really fun.

Then I spent a good two hours talking with all the adults. One was the 88 year old great grandmother of one of the kids who had tested. She was fabulous! She had all kinds of stories. My favorite was one her grandmother told her. As an 18 year old she had been working in a convent. The nuns warned her and the other girls away from one particular room, forbidding them to enter. Well finally their curiosity got the better of them and they peeked into the room. Inside was a nun nursing a baby!!! It just goes to show you that God made sex for a reason and maybe being celebate wasn't the smartest move on the part of the early catholic church. 

Then I came home and ate some pie, so my day was practically perfect!

The Mad Dash at the End of The Line...

There is a week and  a half (give or take a day or so) before I head off to my biannual church retreat, called Chrysalis (website is www.cichrysalis.org). And as always, Adrielle and I find ourselves way in over our heads. 

You can only experience Chrysalis once as a candidate (My flight was exactly two years ago), but you can come back and work team. This will be my fourth flight as team, and Adrielle's third. Part of what we do for the candidates, as team, is give them special little gifts all weekend. Last flight, Adrielle and I made pillows, bookcovers, and gave them silk flowers with bible verses. We worked up until the last minute, and this flight is starting to look the same. 

We are coloring beautiful posters to give to all the girls, and make butterfly coasters using those plastic beads you iron to melt. You know the ones I'm talking about. We still have a ton of coloring, ironing, painting, glittering, and gluing left to do before next weekend (not this weekend or this coming weekend, the one after). Needless to say we are a little frazzled. Luckily we have Adrielle's little sister and her neighbor helping us out. It takes a little bit of the pressure off, but all this craftiness plus work plus school plus taxes plus my mission stuff... needless to say I've been going a little crazy.

Best Pie In The Entire World

Yesterday was my dad's birthday, but we didn't celebrate it because no one was home. So today I made it up to him by making him two birthday pies. One was a Chocolate cream pie. The other was a Bumbleberry Pie. It's our favorite! When my brother and I were little we would call it bumblebee pie, because we couldn't quite say berry correctly. So here's how you make the bumbleberry filling...

Mix 1 and 1/4 cups sugar with a 1/4 cup of flour and a teaspoon of cinnamon. Then mix in a cup of blueberries, a cup of raspberries, and two cups of either blackberries or boysenberries. (I like the blackberries better myself.) Pour mixture into pie crust. Put a tablespoon and a half of butter on top of mixture (slice it into smaller pieces.) Lay top crust over filling, close crust off, and poke five holes in the top using a fork. Stick in the oven at 425 degrees F for 35 to 45 minutes. (In order to avoid burnt crusts, you can wrap tin foil around the edges of the pie.

For best results, make your own crusts. It only takes some flour, salt, shortening,  cold water, a a few minutes of your time. And it winds up tasting way better. Anyway, I'm off to enjoy some of my delicious pie!!!

The Beauty of Little Boys

I have never really understood men. I've heard men describe men, and I've read books describing men, and while I love all the men in my life dearly, I do not understand them. But there is something about little boys that allows you to look into the soul of a child a glimpse the kind of man he could become. 

I was reminded of that today at work. Jason, the seven year old I watch, hurt his hand while we were playing jump rope. I could tell it really hurt him, but instead of crying, he reacted in a completely different way. He grimaced, shook his hand slightly, and assured me that he was alright. It amazes me that this little boy with a love of discussing body fluids, who shakes his butt to Hannah Montana, and spends more time shoving his feet into his little sisters face than playing nice with her, would respond that way. In no other facet of his life his he mature. He has all the charm of seven year old, the energy, the appetite, the high pitched girly scream that he uses to rupture ear drums... but at seven he behaves as a man does, and doesn't make a big deal about getting hurt. He doesn't cry, he doesn't complain, he won't even admit it to the babysitter he professes love for and routinely uses as a seat cushion. It's funny, I've known his since he was three and I don't ever remember him really crying. 

He's not my son, so you may think it strange that I feel this way, but in that moment i was so proud of him. I was proud to see him growing up to be a strong young man. Yes he's seven and loves to jump to the rhyme "Cinderella dressed in yellow" while I teach his sister how to turn a jump rope, but I saw in him today a little bit of the man he will become and that it took my breath away. It was just a small reminder of why I love to work with children.

#1 of who knows how many

Today began with sleeping in late. I've figured out the exact time necessary for me to leave in order to get to work on time, and how long it takes me to get ready if I shower the night before and don't eat breakfast. I literally got out of bed at the last possible second. I was comfortable and hate getting out of bed in the morning. So, no breakfast, but I poured some cereal in a baggy and munched on it in the car like I was three or something. I know it's important to eat breakfast, but I'm really bad at it. 

I got to work right on time, only to remember it's spring break week, which means instead of one kid, I've got two. I'm a nanny by the way. For two different families. Three kids and two kids. All five kids from youngest to oldest are 12, 11, 8, 7, and almost 3. Usually I only watch the almost three year old, because her brother has school on tuesdays. Today, no such luck. Still, it was a relatively good day. We built Lego towers, ate marshmellow cookies, went to the park, and watched some Dora the explorer before a lunch of pizza and strawberries and nap time. Mom came home early, and so I got to leave early. 

Stopped by Adrielle's (best friend #1) house for my make up. I wasn't at school today, so I didn't really care that I wasn't wearing make up, but I have it tomorrow so I needed to pick it up. Stopped by the bank for usual errands, and then came home. Kendall (best friend #2) called and we spent some time talking until door-to-door salesmen showed up. I spent a good 45 minutes messing with them, which I must admit was extremely enjoyable. I would have actually bought their product if it had been cheaper. 

Other then that nothing much happened. Watched some tv with padre. And I'm going to Tae Kwon Do class tonight, which should be fun.