Home Again Home Again Jiggety Jig

Well I'm once again at home. And after my exciting holidays, for the most part being home is a good thing. So in celebration of being home, here are some things I missed about being at home.... and some things I  didn't miss.

I missed...

- having all my clothes in dresser drawers... instead of suitcases

- sleeping in my own bed

- having my own bathroom

- hanging out with my friends and doing retarded things with them

- having a regular schedule

- late night runs to Walmart

I didn't miss...

- having to walk across the street to get internet access

- going to bed early and waking up early to be at work on time

- fussy people who live in my building

- psychotic missouri weather and how it messes with you

- fake chinese food night in the cafeteria

- late night runs to Walmart

Overall, I'm glad to be home, though I really miss Ben, and Alaska. I think it will be really good finishing my time up here in Missouri, and will give me some time to grow. Also, it will give me some time to raise my support. Hopefully, I won't be short on budget when I leave in May. Ahh well, that is a worry for tomorrow. No literally, tomorrow I need to talk to some people and find out about it so that I can start raising support like yesterday.

The Reality of Love

Don't be fooled into believing that love is a nice feeling, or a sexual attraction, or some bizarre combination of the above. It's not something that satisfies you, or seeks to make you happy. It's not easy, it's not always fun, and it takes more strength than you can imagine to truly love someone. 

Today was not a fun day. It was a day of harsh realities, long serious talks, strained emotions, and the kind of cliffhanger moments no one should have to experience. A long story short... I basically held my boyfriends hand while he decided whether or not he actually loved me. I cannot describe to you the agony of something like that, so unless you have experienced what I'm talking about you cannot imagine what that does to your heart. I started crying something close to ten times. And even though it killed me, I let him go. I told him that I didn't want to pressure him. That I loved him, but I wanted him to do what was right for him, and that if it meant not being with me then that was ok. That may have been the hardest thing I have ever said in my life. But I meant every word of it. I love him, and loving someone often means letting them go. 

Then the most miraculous thing happened. After 45 minutes of hashing through his confused emotions, he looked at me, and said, "I don't think I ever gave myself to you. I don't think I ever loved you before. I don't think I knew what love was. But after today, I have a better picture of what it means to truly love someone. I love you Bethany." Which of course sent me into another round of horrible gasping sobs. HE LOVES ME!!! HE CHOOSES TO LOVE ME!!! HE CHOSE ME!!! And now comes a new phase in our relationship. We are going to focus on getting to know each other better. So new rules...

1. No talking about the future... focus on the now

2. Physical touch limited to hand holding and quick hugs (oh and we can sit next to each other but he can't put his arm around me)

3. In effect immediately tomorrow, no talking for a week, so that we can take a week to focus on God (I have a feeling that we may do this periodically.)

4. When we start talking again, we are going to work out a schedule for talking so that we are not talking everyday

5. Discuss what we read in our bibles at devotion time whenever we do talk, so that we don't forget who the focus of our lives should be (God in case you couldn't guess)

And I think thats everything. We are setting up some accountability partners who will help us keep on track, and I'm going to seek out biblical counseling for some issues that I need to work through in my own life. Yes, today was hard, but it has been a turning point in our relationship, and I am so thankful for it. Praise God and to HIM be the Glory!

P.s. We got a song... check it out here... 

Tomorrow Never Dies... but maybe today it should.

How can I describe the last two and a half weeks of my life? Ok... imagine that you are madly in love with a person that you have not seen in five months. You've been living your relationship out on skype, through email, and telephone calls. It's wonderful being able to talk, and you grow so much that way, but still you crave something more. Then, for two glorious weeks you spend every waking minute together. You see each other at your best, and at your worst. You get irritated with each other, and look after each other. You pick up where the other leaves off. You're one unit, together, content. So happy that people thousands of miles away notice the change in a photograph. Then the two weeks come to an end. What seemed like an eternity was only the blink of an eye. Once again you will be limited to phone conversations, and skype dates. Tomorrow is the last full day I will be in Alaska. On tuesday I'm headed back to reality. I don't want to go back to reality. I don't want to leave Alaska. I don't want to leave Ben. 

Yes, I know that this is not the end of the world. In a month and a half, he and I will be seeing each other again. We can do a month and a half. After all, we made it through five. Then after that (Lord Willing), I get to move to Alaska (though for how long I don't know) and we can live in the same town together for a summer. I know that time will pass quickly. That God will help me through this. But I don't want to leave. I don't want tomorrow to end, and another one to come and take it's place. If it wasn't completely financially impossible, I would suggest to him that we just get married right now. Ok, I'm overreacting. I know I'll be ok. I know we'll be ok. And that our relationship will be stronger because of this. But it's hard to let go of the feelings of happiness and contentment. I've been living in a dream and soon the dream must come to an end. I wish it wouldn't.

why season passes make all the difference...

If I went more than once or three times a season I wouldn't hurt so bad right now... tomorrow is going to be miserable. Next year, where ever I am, I'm buying a season pass and I'm going to the mountain (which ever mountain it is) and snowboarding as many saturdays as I possibly can... which if it's Alaska could add up rather well. SO HA ACHEY WHINEY BODY TAKE THAT!!!

Minor Miracles and How they rock

So technically I posted LAST NIGHT and not this morning, cause my computer is on Missouri time but I'm in Alaska.... so this is not a double post in one day. It's two posts on two different days. Just to clarify...

Now people will ask me... Bethany, why do you believe in God? What proof do you have? Now I don't claim to be an apologetics expert... in fact I'm nothing of the sort. (Though I have read books on apologetics.) I'm also of the firm belief that you can't argue people into believing in God. You can only tell them what you believe and trust God to do the work. But in my own life, there are things which, to me, seem to speak volumes about God's presence in my life. You may of course chalk them up to be coincidence, or sheer luck, but as I believe in neither of those things, good luck convincing me it's not God. (Or if you want to look at it from a certain Alex's point of view... you can chalk it up to the Flying Spaghetti Monster... Though I don't really recommend doing that.)

I call these things that happen to me Minor Miracles, and I keep a book full of them to remind myself that God will take care of me even when I'm feeling down. Some of these minor miracles include my supporting church sending me more money then I needed to pay my bills so that I could purchase a plane ticket to see my boyfriend in Alaska... or my aunt and uncle sending me a $600 check to cover the cost of books and school... or something trivial like this morning.... See last night, Kathy, the lady I'm staying with, told me that she had left over sugary cereal from when her grandkids were visiting, and that she needed my help in eating it. I thought to myself... Gee I hope it's Lucky Charms, and sure enough, this morning she pulls out Lucky Charms. 

Now I know that Lucky Charms doesn't sound very heavenly, but to me, it's a minor miracle and I will continue to believe that sometimes God does little things like that just to show he cares.

10 things I love about Alaska... in no particular order

1. The trees are flocked by nature... 100% snow covered

2. The moose wander right into the middle of town, where you can take pictures of them, if you want to look touristy

3. The scenery is breath-taking... and so is the subzero temperatures

4. Everyone is down to earth and welcoming... and they also all know your name, which is pretty surprising because you were under the impression that your boyfriend didn't talk about you all that much, though it's nice to know that he does

5.  People live in actual log cabins... which coincidentally will be an addition to everyone's christmas list next year

6. Both Caribou and Moose are on the menu and you can receive your own moose meat free of charge the next time someone runs one over if you are signed up on the Road Kill list... and no, I'm not making that up.

7. You can see Russia from your house... actually that's not true... also, no one knows Sarah personally, but people do go to Wasilla rather frequently for bizarre reasons, like Wasilla's Rock Fest

8. People leave their cars running in the parking lot, with no one in it, and the keys in the ignition... and they DON'T get stolen... of course if they didn't leave them running, their cars probably wouldn't start, stupid subzero temperatures

9. Daylight only lasts for six hours which turns out is not very depressing after all... it just makes you a little sleepy...

10. Everyone has a "I survived an encounter with a grizzly bear" story, and they are very entertaining... you would sit and listen too...

Beyond that... I'm pretty sure I've fallen in love with the last frontier... I think I'll move here... oh wait! I am! This Summer!!! Yay me!!! Oh and did I mention that being in the same air space as my boyfriend is without a doubt one of the coolest things that has ever happened to me? It's amazing what a long distance relationship will make you appreciate. For example, we just went on our second date... after five months of dating. And the first one was less than a week ago. Weird.